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23 January 2009 @ 05:54 pm
just an update...

things aren't better... I'm more depressed then I was when I last posted, I'm trying so hard not to sink down to cutting myself again.. you would not believe how much I crave to do that when things get so hard to deal with.

I've been feeling like total shit for a while now... I'll burst into tears one minute, the next I'm throwing my school books acrost the room at the wall in a fit of rage...

and my current emotional/additude problems are just crushing me... because my biological clock is just going fucking nuts... it seems that everyone is getting pregnant or parading their babies around infront of me ... I've been wanting to be a mother since I was 16 damnit... I mean fuck.. I have stashed baby clothing because of it. and I know if I was to go out and get knocked up right now... having a baby would push my sanity over the edge... I'd crack... and I don't want any children of mine to grow up like I did.

so I'm fighting with myself to get over my depression and my anger... but even if I did manage to get those two problems fixed... who'd want to fuck a fat fuck like me who only wants to be a mother?

... yeah... fuck you too life... fuck you too.
piercedlovexpiercedlovex on January 24th, 2009 02:33 pm (UTC)
I can understand the drive to be a parent, it's all I have wanted to. But now that I am [unplanned], I am scared shitless. I don't think you can ever be truly ready to have a child.. But even you admit that you have problems with depression and feeling loved. A baby isn't going to love you 24/7 and your depression may just get worse when you find out you're not the "perfect mother" [no one is].