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27 March 2009 @ 08:48 pm
... so I'll be moving to Japan next Fall.

I'll be there for at least four years.

... maybe this is what I need to turn my shitty life around?
23 January 2009 @ 05:54 pm
just an update...

things aren't better... I'm more depressed then I was when I last posted, I'm trying so hard not to sink down to cutting myself again.. you would not believe how much I crave to do that when things get so hard to deal with.

I've been feeling like total shit for a while now... I'll burst into tears one minute, the next I'm throwing my school books acrost the room at the wall in a fit of rage...

and my current emotional/additude problems are just crushing me... because my biological clock is just going fucking nuts... it seems that everyone is getting pregnant or parading their babies around infront of me ... I've been wanting to be a mother since I was 16 damnit... I mean fuck.. I have stashed baby clothing because of it. and I know if I was to go out and get knocked up right now... having a baby would push my sanity over the edge... I'd crack... and I don't want any children of mine to grow up like I did.

so I'm fighting with myself to get over my depression and my anger... but even if I did manage to get those two problems fixed... who'd want to fuck a fat fuck like me who only wants to be a mother?

... yeah... fuck you too life... fuck you too.
20 December 2008 @ 05:38 am
... my depression has just hit it's low point...

its been bottoming out daily now... my sanity.... my mentality... can't deal with it anymore...


I've always wondered... what it'd be like... what'd I be like.... if I grew up differently?

if I had parents that weren't worthless drug addicts... that actually wanted their children instead of view them as annoyances... if they were careing people...

would I have this horrid depression? would I be suicidal..? would my arms have these scars?

would I act the way I do now?

... sometimes... I wish life was like writing a novel... don't like how its going? its okay, just delete it and start over...


maybe... once I manage to leave this town... this state... I can start over fresh... where no one knows me...

my life can be the perfect image if I wanted to project that... I could be the child that came from a loving family... not a broken one...


how long must I wait before I can have a peaceful sleep? where I don't have to cry to exhaustion? where I don't wake up hung over in emotion?
06 December 2008 @ 05:06 am
I haven't posted here in a while huh?

well... I've decided to cut my internet usage.. cutting out all sim and game sites. just gunna do e-mail checks, livejournal checks, very quick meebo log ons, research for school purposes, and to talk with weight loss support groups for support, motivation, and such.

I just need to cut my internet time... I spend to much time here online then out off line...

I need to lose the weight so I can get my surgery date... this surgery is so important to me.. because it can close this door on a horrid life and open a new door that'll be full of opportunities and more.. I'm tired of being the fat lonely ugly girl... I want to be the cute, thin, funny girl that I believe I can be.. and I only have a few more pounds to lose before I get my surgery date... so if I just kick up my exercise and cut carbs I can lose those pounds and get my date...

I also need to study for drafts final... its gunna be irritating for me to go back 5 months worth of notes to memorize everything we've learned...

and I also need to focus more on schooling.. I need to stop half assing everything... I've FAILED english because of english lab... english has ALWAYS been my strongest subject next to art... and I failed this class... I've fucking stopped going because I know I'd fail it.

I'm trying to also get into culinary school... and with my grandfather not supporting the idea, I'm not getting money from my college fund for culinary school... so I'm gunna need to get a part-time/full-time job to pay for it/pay off a loan so I can get trained in a year...

I also need to get out and make some friends off line... while its great having online friends... I miss hanging out with real people... I actually miss hanging out until 1-2 in the morning just sitting with friends talking or playing the wii... I miss socializing face to face... so yeah...

.... well... we'll see huh?
15 November 2008 @ 07:44 pm
shit has gotten kind of bad at home... and I'm so desperate to leave here... :/

I'm thinking of taking the year off and working full time, save the money up... maybe see if I make enough money in a month to afford rent+bills?

... I'm also thinking about selling all my pokemon stuff... all of it, everything... keeping none of it (sept maybe for some cards that hold sentimental value to me..). I mean... it sucks... but really I don't need it even though I feel cheerful when I see my pokemon items about my room.

I may even sell my yu yu hakusho djs... and those would be the last thing I'd ever sell :/ (yeah its stupid.. but I treasure them greatly ^^;)

so I'm going through my pokemon cards... gunna pick out the ones that I'll keep. It's not ideal to keep a binder full of cards, even though I weeded the multiples out... so only a few... mostly gunna be the hollos and promo cards (I think I was a magpie in a past life... seriously, shiney shit)

gunna sell the psp and crisis core.

gunna sell the old nintendo ds and some games.

I may even sell some of the art supplies I have sitting around (I wish shipping stretched canvases was easy and cheap :/ cause I have a lot of them >_<; )
10 November 2008 @ 06:32 pm
... yeah okay I'm getting annoyed at people over the internet for some odd reason.

:/ that and I'm getting annoyed with the game.

or it could all be my period talking...

but its mostly not.

I either need to stop sim games all together or find a new one :/
08 November 2008 @ 09:22 pm
so I found my Blue, Yellow, and Gold games~ and my gameboy color (and advanced... but I like to not talk about owning that one >_>)

I checked out all my stats there... and when I check out blue's pokedex... I kind of felt proud... that was me and my brother (and a friend of mine) working together and finishing the pokedex legitimately... my brother and I traded each other the pokemon from blue and red... my friend gave me mewtwo and mew (two of them actually, so I gave one set to my brother)... so yeah... that was cool looking through it and just remembering that...

X3 such a saaaap
08 November 2008 @ 02:09 am
so for the past 11 years... this has happened monthly (or bi-monthly... tri-monthly... didn't regulate until I started exercising..)

and yet I still can't piece together achy knees, hips, back, tender to the touch breasts, and just feeling like total shit everytime?

... yeah I fail as a female in that department I guess.

in other news, I'm kind of irratated... because I bought two packs of over night pads (ya know.. long and thick?)... with my owwwwn money... put them both under the sink in the front bathroom... and when I went to open a pack... what do I find? only one.

mom decided to take the other pack... you wanna know why she uses pads? not to bleed on... but to piss on.

... ... so yeah... I don't spend my money for someone to piss on what I buy... I spend my money so I... I can bleed on them... or just fucking ask :/

fuck go buy depends or something DX
06 November 2008 @ 07:50 pm


Seriously? do you find the need to crawl up the fucking walls that boarder my bed and HAVE TO BE THE SIZE OF FUCKING QUARTERS?


06 November 2008 @ 02:22 pm
ah... last class for this week...

friday is the day off...


sept I'm not getting Friday off D< cause of fucking lab :/ seriously... this shit could of been taught IN THE ENGLISH CLASS INSTEAD OF HAVING A SEPARATE LAB IN A SEPARATE AREA.


I could be using that time catching up on nanomango... DX